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Journal - 28/10/01
Okay, today is a rant day. I have a great deal of trouble ranting to people's faces as I pick up of their distressed emotions of have an overflow of my own and nothing comes out right. The outcome of this, of course, is that the emotions stay pent-up inside and I never get to tell anyone I've tried to rant at what's bugging me. Today's rant is directed mainly at Nicole.
Nicole, basically this can be summed up in a few words, "HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN US, A LITTLE FAITH IN ME DAMN IT!". I am so tired of you phoning me or Brittany and crying because you've been "pushed away" or "forgotten" or "abandoned" again. We are not doing any of that to you! That is an Ashley thing to do, and that's why I broke off almost all of my friendship with her. I know you are a better person and friend than she is, and I really do expect a bit more from you.
God, you'd expect that after over a year and a half of friendship on my part and more on Brittany's side you'd think more highly of us. I mean, come on, it's not like everything we did meant nothing and we're just going to dump you now. Sometimes I think the people at college I've only just met a month or two ago trust me to care for them more than you do right now.
I really feel ashamed that Brittany and I don't seem to mean more to you. That after all we've been through, that horrible month when you dumped us on our asses to go parade around with your more 'popular' friends, when Ashley turned on all of us, all those wonderful days of doing nothing or fooling around. That after all that you still don't think we're really your friends. I'm not a traitor, but you seem to think that if you don't keep as tight a hold on me as possible I'm going to turn and stab you in the back.
Let's see, Friday, when you got all upset because Brittany and I were in Trail without you? That was because Brittany got up at an inhuman morning time to come to Selkirk with me. We didn't think you'd want to go because it was so early. Not to mention the hell I went through the day before and that morning just to get enough time out after classes to fulfill a promise to a friend in the Student Association and help with the Halloween festivities. That was a very stressful day, and I didn't even see Brittany through most of it because my other friends dragged her away during their breaks! That night when we went shopping for my new jeans we even stopped by your house to see if you were home.
But in the end, all I can really say is that I still love you, you're still one of my closest friends, and damn it, I really need people to have faith in me right now, because I have don't have any faith in myself. Through this shit called first-year college I'm going to need the support of every one of you more than ever to stay away from serious depression, please don't leave me.
Ja!
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