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Journal - 02/10/01
(Written in black on gray for easier reading???)
Hm, this thing is turning out to be more a depression journal than anything else. I don't want you to think I'm always like this, almost all the time I'm sunny-happy and smiling, it's only on the days I've really had a hard time or when stuff is building up that I get depressed. Like now.
I was considering starting this with something like, "Fuck life, fuck me, fuck school, but most of all, fuck my inhuman, uncaring, cold, cruel soul to the deepest tortures of hell." Then I decided that it would be a little to cliché for right now. I'm just facing an emotional breakdown that's most likely going to manifest itself either this weekend or when my grandpa dies.
It all depends on how strong I can force myself to be.
My worst breakdowns happen in times of serious grief or emotions. Everyone home for the long weekend is an emotional high, grandpa dying is an emotional low. Either or both can be the hair-trigger that sets me off. When I storm or quietly creep to my bed and curl up into a ball to sob and rock myself into a coma, as far as my feelings are concerned, I hate myself more than usual.
Funny, isn't it? That what we happily accept without qualms in others disgusts us when we see it in ourselves. Like crying, I tell my friends that it's good to cry and let everything out and mean it with all my heart; when I cry I call myself a weak bitch and smack my mental self around until I toughen up. It doesn't make sense, and yet it does.
All I have to say about myself to day is that I'm a pathetic, stupid whore who should have given it up and found some stupid McDonald's job years ago. I can't even get one stupid fucking assignment for my First-year Chem class in. I couldn't study for Biology on Sunday night, twelve hours left before the midterm (don't worry, I studied a bunch before that). Let's not even speak of the Calculus Midterm this morning. Not to mention that I didn't hand in my English work that was due today. I'm going to fucking flunk my classes and have to take them over again.
I have to admit that I have no faith in myself, so why am I still here? Because I'm a stubborn little dumbass. I didn't quit Physics 12 or Math 12 last year even though I only barely passed both of them (as in passing by 2-9% in each) and my GPA was dragged down for it.
I had better move my ass to bed though, another long day lies before me tomorrow. Another 24 hours within which to curse myself and my wanna-be talents. Great. Life is just ducky.
~Heather